Abbreviations

“I told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow.

‘We are out of cornflakes. F.U.’

It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Unger. It’s not your fault, Felix: it’s a rotten combination, that’s all.”
- Walter Matthau to Jack Lemmon in The Odd Couple, 1968

Attractive

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the efrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

Counting

Donald Rumsfeld was briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. “Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.”

Bush goes pale, his jaw hung open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering “My God … My God”.

“Mr. President,” says Cheney, “we lose soldiers all the time, and it’s terrible. But I’ve never seen you so upset. What’s the matter?”

Bush looks up and says … “How many is a brazilian?”