Insisting

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God
would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, “But I retired years before I died. I’m tired of all the hassles involved in making movies.”

“Listen,” St. Peter explains, “we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie…”

“You’re not listening to me,” the director protested. “I don’t want to make any more movies.”

“But we’ve got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you,” St. Peter exclaimed.

“I don’t want to make any more movies!” the director insisted.

“Just look at this script,” St. Peter said. “We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!”

“Well,” said the director, “a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare…How can I go wrong?
I’ll do it!”

“Great!” exclaimed St. Peter. “There’s only one small hitch… I’ve got a girlfriend who sings…”

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?”

Murphy replied, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No Father. After you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

Attractive

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the efrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

Thanks anyway

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in the railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it
was really stuck. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.

He panicked and started to pray, “God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I’ll stop drinking!” Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, “God, please get my foot out and I’ll stop drinking AND cussing!” Still nothing and the train was just seconds away!

He tried it one more time, “God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I’ll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and
fornicating.”

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way in the nick of time.

He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and said, “Thanks anyway, God. I got it myself.”

A plan to save bankrupt airlines

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers!

What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Refreshingly

The Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Charity

"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair and George Bush. They're asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"

Bread

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman:"Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**ding bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Push

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.